the blur

The Passion by Jeanette Winterson blurs many lines. Gender, sexuality, history, and even the boundaries of literature are all blurred in this book. Winterson makes this the main theme of the entire book. She means to push the reader’s expectations of what her novel is. Winterson is masterful at setting up a story to have a certain tone and then pushing it to another level and defying what the reader believes the story is going to be about. The strength of The Passion is fully due to Winterson’s ability to change what you believe it is going to be in an instant. I loved the way she blurred Henri and Villanelle’s gender roles and stereotypes. I think that it made their love even more intense by doing so. By blurring the gender roles and having Villanelle cross dress and asking Henri for her to do so, it was almost like Winterson was emphasizing that their love was so strong that they were one. One thing void of gender or sexuality or preconceptions, but just two beings in love. This gave the story a powerful message and strength.

Winterson’s most promising attribute is her playfulness with words and language. She experiments with sentence structure and uses gender specific terms sparsely. All of these qualities further the mask theme that is in the story and maintain a consistent tone of confusion with regards to gender and sexuality. Sentences like ” Could a woman love a woman for more than a night? I stepped out and in the morning they say a beggar was running round the Rialto talking about a young man who’d walking across the canal like it was solid. I’m telling you stories. Trust me.” The repetition of the “trust me” line throughout the story is extremely powerful. In a story that has a lot of its basis in mystery, this line brings the reader back to the notion that everything that is going on in the story is real. When combined with the historical context of the story, it creates a unique combination of reality and fiction.

I was a bit annoyed with Winterson’s consistent use of ‘zinger’ style sentences to make a twist after you read the entire paragraph to mean one thing. I think that this style of writing would have been more effective if she had only used it in several crucial parts of the story rather than as a consistent style of writing.

However, on the whole I really enjoyed this book. The story wasn’t my all time favorite but the poetics of the language and consistency of theme really made this book amazing to me. I wish I could have read it before I went to Venice. I would have loved to imagine Villanelle running across the Rialto at sunset.

spring awakening.

This weekend New York City became brave again. I saw the city strip its pants for skirts and travel shorts. The sun came out if only for a brief time on Saturday and it felt like everyone in the city was awakened. Though its legs were pale and hairy (quite out of fashion for Manhattan), the city was just too anxious to feel warmth again. I, too, forgot what warmth felt like. I’ve spent months trying to get warm on my bed, waiting for the sun to make its presnce known again. I got off the subway at 14th street and rode the bus to 72nd. I wanted to watch form my window just how much New York had changed. As the bus passed Herald Square and Columbus Circle, these familiar landmarks seemed to take on a totally new life. The irises brightened the spirtit of these places which I was so used to  associating with barrenness. As a kid growing up in California, I always thought that spring was the worst season. Spring blurred with summer but you still had to go to school when it was beautiful and warm outside. Spring, I thought, was completely overrated. However, my first proper spring has slapped in the face with a full vaudeville swing. Watching the boats on Central Park Lake and couples taking engagement photos, I finally understand what the big fuss was all about.

in line for a raise

My first year in college is coming to an end. its been a crazy year of breaking a lot of boundaries that I never thought I would be able to. I’m starting to realize how scary it is to grow up. real world pressures and thoughts are starting to pervade my mind, and I need to stop forcing myself to mature. I am living my life in what seems to be an endless calculation. “How much does this cost, how do I make up the money for this, how can I afford to do this? Will I be sure that everything will be recooperated, how can I make sure that everything isnt going to get fucked up..” I have my whole life ahead of me, but sometimes I get scared that I am planning too much. That I am becoming married to my destiny when I’m not even sure what I want to do with my life. At 18, being confused and not being aware of where you want to direct your energy is normal. I have too many aspirations. There are too many things that I don’t understand, that I just want to study forever, that I just want to learn about, but I fear not having the time to take care of all these interests. I have my whole lifetime I tell myself, but its easy to get caught up on the fact the thought that your 20’s are your life. You see these sixty year old women living there lives with joy in every motion and I realize that it is possible to make significant life changes whenever you feel brave enough to do so, or in many cases, just because that is the way that fate operates.I’m an easy going person and I understand that not everything that you plan happens the way that you dream it, but I feel like what makes other successful people different from me? I am out there trying to get my name out, trying to do my best, and overwhelming as it might be, its better than being in a 9-5 for the rest of my life. Live your life while you have your youth. Be happy with mistakes because they are a part of growing up. I need to trust but I need to watch my own back. I want to make sure that the choices I am making are good, and the fact that I have positive intentions is rad. I try to think of other people, not just myself. I want to be successful. I need to start taking breathers, but I don’t want things to pass me by. After seeing how quick this first year of college went by, I have really begun to realize the cliche of the fleeting you

I’m excited to be moving forward in life. Getting my own apartment at only 18 is a big step I think. I am trying to remain calm and mature about this all. I really want to get my shit together. I want to find something to devote all my energy too. There are so many things that are grabbing ahold of my attention, but I know that if I pick a goal and set all I have on it, that I can achieve it. I just need to start figuring out what that is.

I always was a nomad

is it wrong to alter iconic landmarks

http://archinect.com/news/article.php?id=72742_0_24_0_C

I think this alteration of the Eiffel Tower is pretty hideous. It looks like a gelatinous monster has eaten one of the most iconic buildings in the entire world. French people are always cutting edge, but I doubt many people would care to see of the most historic landmarks ever created be altered in such a way. Then again, it could make people appreciate the Eiffel Tower more when it goes back to its original state. Personally, if I were a tourist I wouldnt want that shit fucking up my Eiffel photos.

do the right thing…sometimes

Spike Lee’s “Do the right thing” is the kinds of movie that leaves you in complete confusion about morality, racism, and everything in between. Lee has a way of crafting his characters to border the static and dynamic. He forces viewers to confront their own feelings about race and the way it effects life in America. Lee’s characters are often criticized for being very stereotypical. While Sal can be critizcized as being racist, he also shows a lot of love for the neighborhood where he ran his pizza shop. He might be the only white guy in Bedstuy, however at times it is hard to tell if he is fake about his acceptance of this fact. One could argue his adament racism towards Radio Raheem, and then contrast this behavior with his close relationship towards Mookie. Lee specifically makes it hard to predict how his characters will react. I was shocked when Mookie took the garage can towards the pizza parlor and ignited the violence that eventually caused it all to burn down. I didn’t expect Mookie to do this all. He seemed pretty rational throughout the whole movie, and then all of a sudden he lashed out in a really extreme way. I just couldn’t see a normal person doing this especially since Sal was really easy going towards him and reiterated to him that he would always have a place at his pizza parlor. These contradictions are what make “Do The Right Thing” a stirring movie. I can’t tell where I fall in liking or disliking it because the characters’ actions are so hard to relate to. It just seems unlikely to me that the same guy who took ample advantage of his boss’s kindness and was able to work leisurely and take long random breaks would go and burn the place that paid him. “Do The Right Thing” seems to be all about repressed anger and what it does to a society. Ultimately, I think Lee just wants to get the people talking in order to prevent hate from ever causing such problems again.

a trip to vacationland

the above is an excerpt from a 1961 disneyland tour book that I found in an antique store in Manhattan 

It’s the week before spring break and I’m anticipating seeing friends and the sunshine (coupled with warmth.) Everytime I leave New York and come back a strange new layer is added to my relationship with this place. Last time I left, I found myself talking about New York as often as I talk about California. Setting is so relative to my emotions and frame of thought. In New York its nostalgia that brings me to think about California. Sure, it’d be great to wear summer dresses today, but I can make due. I’d like to think I have the best of both worlds. In my city, its quiet and family oriented, and thus incredibly boring, so when you find interesting people there, you latch on. These people have become my greatest friends and confidants and we are all each others saviors. So its nice to get back in touch with this. Its weird to think about the lifestyle I have here. To be able to go dancing late, to sleep in, to explore, to write, to create art, to document my each and every move and thought is such a luxury. How many of my friends could take my place and run faster?
I often wonder if I had the chance to import my closest group of friends, the people who I spent the first decade of my life with, from 3rd grade to graduation, how would they react to the city? Would they be scared? Would they want to pack their bags? Would they be shocked? Some people dream of living in cities and others want to harbor their small town habits forever. Its easy to gloss over the fact that the horrible truth is Camarillo is the most boring place in the world. Sure there is Los Angeles only 45 minutes away, but you can only go there once a week because of gas prices. Also, most kids arent even allowed to drive there until they are 18 because of how dangerous it gets. By the time you are teenager and can actually enjoy the city, you have to leave. I have a real jealousy for the East Coast. Here there’s public transportation even form the most remote states. You can with a significant amount of effort, travel around by bus, train or other means. I cant even think of how many exhibits, concerts and events I couldn’t go to just because I couldn’t get a ride. Things that were once in a lifetime were just passed over simply because there was no way to get there. Parents don’t want to drive, older siblings don’t either; even offering them cash won’t get you there. Concerts were always filled with months of planning and preparation. Hours of phone discussion regarding whose parents would drive and pick up along with ample begging led us to some of the best nights of our lives. So when I think about the most significant thing that makes New York better than California, I would say its transportation. Sure its not the best in the world, but it actually exists. In New York, if you want to be there, if you want to see every nook and cranny, you can. You just have to get off your ass and do it. I’m no where near close, but I’m trying, just as a sign of respect to everyone who at one time or another couldn’t.

in the grand tradition of the parisian writers

This weekend i decided that I definently want to put in the work to move to Paris junior year. I am going to start dedicating my summer and next year’s electives to learning some rudimentary French. I always wanted to learn french in high school but after meeting my french teacher during summer school the year before. I have not gone to school with my best friend  Scarlett since the 8th grade and this will be the year to do it. Now I have to get my shit together: write a proposal, talk to people, ask for guidance and make a plan for my future. I think I want to double major in writing as well as photography. I have always had a definite interest in these two art forms intertwining.

I wonder what it is about Europe that draws the American writers to its shores. Perhaps its the cafe lifestyle of the past, because I am not sure how viable you could be living there without a great job considering the horrible conversion of the Euro to the dollar. Anyways, I am too drawn to this horrible tradition of always being mobile. My parents instilled this vagabond nature in me at a young age. We always were moving from one home to the other, not far away from each other, but always to another side of the same county or city, or even 3 doors down from our previous residence. Moving is fun and experiencing new places is amazing but I think the best facet of this is moving, but keeping a close friendship unit wherever you are. Having a reminder of where your hometown is, and having my best friend in Paris with me would be amazing because I could be able to learn about a new place together as well enjoy Europe. Its been my dream to live in Europe for at least a year, just so I could have the experiences that my mother did as a young woman. Although she never lived in France, I have heard some amazing stories about life under the Communists in Germany and her medical school sing alongs to Leonard Cohen. I’ve been inspired these last few weeks to get my shit together and now more than ever I need to focus on a dream and make it reality.

LA- neil young

“L.A.”

In a matter of time,
There’ll be a friend of mine
Gonna come to the coast,
You’re gonna see him
Up close for a minute or two
While the ground cracks under you.

By the look in your eyes
You’d think that it was a surprise
But you seem to forget
Something somebody said
About the bubbles in the sea
And an ocean full of trees.

And you now, L.A.
Uptight,
city in the smog,
city in the smog.
Don’t you wish that
you could be here too?
Don’t you wish that
you could be here too?
Don’t you wish that
you could be here too?

Well, it’s hard to believe
So you get up to leave
And you laugh at the door
That you heard it all before
Oh it’s so good to know
That it’s all just a show for you.

But when the suppers are planned
And the freeways are crammed
And the mountains erupt
And the valley is sucked
Into cracks in the earth
Will I finally be heard by you.

L.A.
Uptight,
city in the smog,
city in the smog.
Don’t you wish that
you could be here too?
Don’t you wish that
you could be here too?
Don’t you wish that
you could be here too?

i would have to rate neil young the best songwriter of all time. this is just a minor classic on the radar of one the most gifted, humble, and giving performers of all time. neil young is the shit. I find this song hilarious becuase it is a great love affair with LA. Neil’s a local though, naming one of his great albums “Zuma”, after the beach in Malibu, notarious for its great surf and sunny summer days.

Long live Neil.

http://www.angelfire.com/rock2/traces/pages/sohardtomake.html

if you’re a neil young fan, heres a great article written by the young cameron crowe for rolling stone magazine.

quick as sand

“But,” the man before her was saying, “for me it will be an experience. It may be that with you, Helga, for wife, I will become great, Immortal. Who knows? I didnt want to love you, but I had to. That is the truth. I make of myself a present to you. For love.”  His voice held a theatrical note.

Nella Larsen based the character Helga on herself. I wonder how many authors do the same in their own work. The phrase “write what you know” is one of the most cliche things in the literary world, however, I believe it to be the most true. Whether it be exercising personal demons, trying to mask your faults, remembering a love that you don’t want to forget, or taking revenge, writers, like all artists, put a certain amount of their own personality into their work.

Larsen has no fear to bring up her own sad childhood whe she directly parallels her own experiences to that of Helga. “The joke is on you, Dr. Anderson. My father was a fambler who deserted my mother, a white immigrant. It is even uncertain that they were married. As I said at first, I don’t belong here. “ Larsen’s father did the same to her as she was a baby Helga, like Larsen, is biracial, and a substantial part of the text deals with this topic as well as Helga’s sexuality.

Helga’s experiences with sex and sexual repression mark a lot of the story’s most poignant passages. Helga wants to have sex with men, however she worries about being seen as just a sexual object. She doesnt know how to deal with the balance of gratification and also harboring racial stereotypes that black women are somehow more promiscious than white women. Larsen had a lot of bravery addressing this subject especially as she was one of the few female writers of the Harlem Renaissance.

How much of this story do you think Larsen experienced herself?

my first visitor

Last Saturday my first real visitor from California came. My younger brother Jonathan came to New York for his first trip to an actual metropolis. I was pretty shocked that he would even come. He’s the kind of person who would never leave Southern California if they could. Outside of California he has only been to Hawaii, Nevada, Missouri, and the boondocks of Canada: Whistler. He prides himself on being as “redneck” as possible. Activities that would fall into this category would be: driving a lifted truck, spraining your neck while extreme mountain biking in the forests of Canada, attending the World Monster Truck Championships (actually, a hilarious drunk shit show. totally recommend it.), wanting to buy a Confederate flag sticker when you’re not even from the South and have no understanding of what it means, constantly spitting on the ground, having total ignorance, and being proud of all said qualities.
Anyways, I was pretty shocked when he actually stepped off the plane. Last summer’s fiasco occured where my brother didnt want to go on a cruise to Europe because he thought it would be boring and he didnt want to just hang out with my Mom & I. To see a kid who considers some of my favorite places in the world (Rome, Monte Carlo, Warsaw), boring, was a total shock. He was much more open to the whole deal than I expected. Though we didn’t get to go see Hairspray or some other cheesy Broadway play, I was really impressed that he would go to the Met or to some of the more artsy things in the city. I even took him down to Bedford and he bought a vintage flannel at Beacon’s closet. Totally hilarious. I have to say though, my tour guide skills were pretty good. Considering that I had to skip over some of my favorite New York institutions because I didn’t want to bore him, sadly including the MOMA and Saks, which is not a very practical place to shop but a cool place just to go into,  he did a good job at being open to the experience. Some of his favorite things included Times Square, the wooden escalators at Macy’s and Fulton Mall. He was especially interested in buying a Tweety Bird leather jacket because one of the stands here sells jackets buy one, get 2 free, but when we found it cost 250 bucks, we decided to opt out.
Its weird to spend time with Jonathan though. Although I can easily get along with him, sometimes his total ignorance to different forms of life is shocking. He can’t be open that a guy can be fashionable and totally straight. “My kind of people don’t go see plays.” or “He wears purple pants; that’s totally gay.” Even when I go into his favorite clothing store, Quiksilver, and point out that they sell purple pants, he is totally consumed that he cannot do certain things because of societal standards where we come from. It is really frustrating to me, especially because at his age I was planning my future life in New York, learning about music, reading books, and assimilating into a culture I wasn’t even sure I could ever be a part of. Although it is diseartening to see someone who sets the bar low for life, by just settling for what they already have, I hope that this experience taught him that New York has a lot to offer people. In New York, if you want it, you can make it happen.
Having Jonathan come see how I lived made me feel even better about my decision to move to New York. It was always a shockingly easy one.  I no longer feel guilt for leaving my Mom in California or about missing my friends. We are extremely close and I talk to them all the time. I have felt little to no seperation from them. My friends know what I am going through here, who I am friends with and my aspirations. We keep each other in close communication, texting daily, talking several times a week, and investing the effort in maintaining friendships. This is one of the best qualities of Camarillo: we care about each other. In Camarillo, there is no one else to hold your hand but your best friends. These people become the foundation for your entire personality. What I find hilarious or depressing or cool is a direct result of spending time with these amazing girls. I living out my dream, and I can only encourage everyone else out there to do so. Although there’s still dreams of djjing and more, I’m slowly working my way around New York. Fortunately, I have drive on my side and I want to be successful. So here’s to everyone dreaming and those who don’t feel a need to:
May you all find what you are looking for.